Gnome and Buddha Strike Back

Gnome and Buddha sit around the pond.
"So what you're saying is I'm in the pond already".
Gnome peered into the still water and looked at his reflection.
"Well I can already see meself in there!"
"No no no. A piece of you is that pond. A piece of you is all around us. We've all come from the same place."
"What, Homebase?"
"No, originally."
"The factory which supplies Homebase with Gnomes?"
"No"
"So which piece of me is in that pond? Should I jump in and get it?"
"Sigh. No, a tiny piece. A tiny piece of you is in the rock you're sitting on too."
"Aye, me ringpiece. That frost has been causing havoc with me piles."
"No, I mean we're all inside each other"
"WHAT? I thought you was asleep! You didn't make no noise!"
"What? No, I mean once I was a part of you."
"Didja break off or summat? Was I asleep that time? I don't remember that."
"Well you wouldn't remember it."
"Why? Was I drugged?"
"No. It was just a long time ago."
"Are you suggesting me memory ain't what it used to be?"
"No, I'm saying we're all made of the same stuff"
"What, like plaster of paris?"
"Well, no but in a way, yes, we are all made of a piece of plaster of paris"
"'Where's your piece then? Are you sitting on it?"
"Maybe. Or it might be deep inside me."
"I prefer silicone ones meself. Although I hear glass is quite nice too."
"What?"
"So, what you is saying is that my rod was once part of you."
"Yes, that's right."
"Do you want to reacquaint yourself with me rod then?"
"What?"
"Go on, touch it. It might remember you."
"No, it's ok thanks."
"Oh go on. It wants you to."
"Not right now. I'm meditating."
"Oh, is that what you call it."
"Call what?"
"Whens you go all still and start making little noises to yerself"
"Yes, I'm practising mindful breathing. Breathing deeply"
"I can hear that"
"And I'm repeating my chants"
"Yes, very rhythmic it is too. I do that as well."
"Really? I didn't know that. What do you chant?"
"Usually something along the lines of 'Oh, god yes!'"
"Praying to your maker, are you?"
"Definitely. Sometimes it extends to 'please don't stop'."
"Referring to the circle of life, presumably?"
"Sommat like that. Circles most definitely. Holes most likely."
"It's comforting to know there's a piece of me in the world around me"
"I wouldn't say that too loud. Those skizzels are on the warpath again. Say someone's been tampering with them in their sleep."
"Tampering?"
"Yeah, you know. A piece of someone else enters them at night."
"Well, they have to breathe the air too, which is made up of a thousand of us."
"I think they are more worried about what's in their mouths when they wake up"
"Well it was part of them before"
"That's what I tell em. They shouldn't give out what they can't take. Took me weeks to get that squirrel spunk off my rod. And they got the line all knotted."
"Why do I get the feeling I'm miles off?"
"Nah, you ain't. Look, you could touch my rod from there if I swung it in your direction. Look!"
*thwack*
*splash*
"Oo, sorry about that. Don't realise me own strength. Must have been a bear in a previous life. Here, since yer there, if you find a piece of me in there, chuck it out to us, cheers."
*splish*
"Are you going to help me out then?"
"Sure. Here, grab hold of me rod and I'll pull".

Gnome is missing.
Feared kidnapped.
While on a day trip to France.
And Buddha is thus in a frantic tantric panic trying to find him.
If you see him do let me know.
Buddha offers reward of cosmic enlightenment (after hard meditation).

Buddha and Gnome sitting, once more, by their pond.
Gnome tries to start a conversation with the meditating Buddha;
"So, you seen The Matrix yet then?"
"I would be unable to see the Matrix without the Matrix seeing me"
"Is that a 'no'?"
"Yes"
"Yes, you have or yes, you haven't?"
"No, I have not seen the film"
"You a bit shy are you?"
"What?"
"Well, you said you didn't want the Matrix seeing you"
"No, I just meant that I cannot watch a film without the film also watching me"
"Fucking hell, have they installed CCTV into cinemas too now - am I gonna be on You've Been Framed?? I didn't sign anything!! I don't want to be on Big Brother!!!!"
"Calm yourself. I simply meant that I cannot think that I am the only thing that is aware of it's surroundings. "
"I KNEW that squirrel was giving me the eye..."
"I don't think you understand..."
"Fucking skizzels, they think they're God's gift. Next one that comes over here, I'm twatting him one with me rod"
"That's not really treating others with respect"
"No, it's twatting people with me rod, what's yer point?"
"Well, it's not very Zen"
"Depends how much I do it."
"What?"
"Well, if I used 'twatting people with me rod' as my repetitive action in which I seek to find enlightenment through, then it is Zen, isn't it. Like fishing or Tai Chi."
"Well, I'm not sure, bit of a technical clash there in the theories"
"Well what's your repetitive task, then?"
"Apart from talking to you each day?"
"Yes"
"Farting"
"I see. And how does that help you reach enlightenment?"
"I think it's the gases"
"I wondered what the smell around here was"
"Yes, that's me."
"You're not a vegetarian too, are you?"
"No, I just respect other creatures. I appreciate that they share their spirit with me as mankind is too weak to provide for themselves, so they let themselves be caught to support me on my path to enlightenment. Plus I am aware that they could eat me first."
"Or are you just hoping they will, eh?" *wink*
"I don't follow"
"No, that is very Zen though isn't it!"
"What is?"
"Not following"
"??"
"Excuse me for a second"
*THWAK*
"Take THAT yer fuckin poncy skizzel bastards!"
"Any closer to enlightenment?"
"Maybe. Definitely felt something..."
"The thrill of the catch?"
"No, I think I cracked my rod"
"Sounds painful"
"Yeah, I think I got a splinter. Can you grab hold of my rod for a minute - I can't find the crack by myself...."

Gnome and Buddha are sitting round their pond, as usual.
Gnome is sitting very still under what appears to be a large magnifying glass.

"Morning Gnome. What are you doing?"
"Ah, well today I am doing two things!"
"What's that then?"
"Well, firstly I'm doing nothing."
"I see..."
"And secondly I'm sitting motionless under this big magnifying thingamy."
"Riiiiiiiiiiight. So basically you believe that inactivity is reality and non-doing is enlightenment?"
"No, I'm just too lazy to move."
"Ahh, so you are reflecting that the universal meaning is vast and immovable?"
"No. Isn't that just a nicer way of saying 'be lazy and don't do anything because you can't change things?'"
"Er..., well...."
"Great, well I resolve not to do anything then."
"Oh, is that your path to seeing the truth?"
"No, I just can't be arsed."
"What's that smell?"
"I think my rod's on fire."
"Why don't you put it out?"
"I told you, I've decided now, I'm resolved not to do anything."
"You realise that you'll reach enlightenment at a cost then."
"How'd you figure that, then?"
"Well, not only will you lose your favourite rod, which will be burnt to a crisp, which is good, unloading yourself of possessions comes highly recommended. But you'll also burn to death thus reaching enlightenment at the point of death when it's too late to do anything about it. Also making it impossible for you to tell anyone about it. A bit like experiencing Deja Vu at the point of death - infuriating as you'll never get to tell anyone that you've been here before..."
"I see. And what do you suppose it'll say to a gnome like me?"
"What?"
"Well, enlightenment. What do you think I'll become enlightened about. What will it tell me do you suppose?"
""You should have put the fire out, you pillock" ??"
"That's deep."
"So is the pond. I recommend you drop your rod before your beard catches fire."
"Will you help me find my rod if I do?"
"Of course. It's the whole point, sharing the hunt for enlightenment. Plus, what else are friends for?"
"You're my friend?"
"No, but I'm the closest you're gonna get, now let go of the rod."
"I have."
"No you haven't."
"My mind has."
"But your hand hasn't."
"Perhaps the rod hasn't let go of me yet."
"This isn't the time for going all philosophical, just let go."
"Let go. That's deep."
SPLOSH!
"So are you now. I told you to drop it."
"Well, that was enlightening."
"What was?"
"Being pushed in."
"How's that?"
"Well, it's cold for a start."
"And?"
"And I can't swim."
"I see."
"Highly enlightening, I'd say. I'm feeling lighter already. Or maybe I'm fainting..."
"I think it's called 'floating'."
"Good job I'm hollow."
"It's the best way to be. Empty vessels and all that."
"Here, I think I can see my rod. Can you reach it - that's it, just lean over and grasp it with both hands."
"It's offering a little resistance."
"Maybe it's caught on a reed."
"It's a little slippery, hard to get a good hold on it...maybe you're still holding it..."
"Maybe I'm not 'holding' it at all."
"Are you getting deep on me again?"
"No, that comes later. We should date first."
"What?"
"Never mind. I'll wait until I float to the side, then you can help me up."
"Alright, but I'm not touching your rod, I don't think the pond water has agreed with it."
"It still feels hot."
"Don't touch it then."
"I can't help it. It's like it's a part of me."
"Well, technically I suppose it is, universally speaking."
"Yes. 'Universally speaking'. Doesn't that mean I'm a part of you too?"
"Um, yes. Universally speaking, of course."
"Of course. We can try that later."
"Try what?"
"The universally speaking thing. I'll try and feel you.."
"In the universe, yes."
"Er, yes, and you can feel me."
"You know, sometimes I think you have a greater grasp of Zen than you think you have."
"Hmm. I have a good grasp of a lot of things. I'll show you that later."
"OK then. Want me to go find a stick and poke you?"
"No. I'll just wait to be blown. Thanks."

So there they sit again, around the small pond, and Gnome asks of Buddha the ultimate question on the path to enlightenment...
"Do you like my rod?"
"It's not what I think of the rod, but what does the rod think of me"
"It's a rod. It doesn't think"
"And you know that, how exactly? Anyway, you're a garden Gnome, who's to say you are thinking either?"
"You're confusing me again"
"Am I - or are you confusing yourself?"
"I've got to invest in a skateboard of something to get me away from you"
"Yes, you must find your own path to enlightenment. It's all about the journey, you know."
"Does that include getting thrown out of the local shopping centre for 50-50ing the benches?"
"Possibly not."
"Well I'm not getting much of a journey just sitting here by a pond, am I?"
"Are you not moving by simply breathing and existing on a planet which spins"
"Not much of a journey - just spinning round and round"
"Tell that to the wheel of a car"
"That's almost as deep as this pond"
"How do you know how deep the pond is?"
"I fell in last week"
"How did you manage that?"
"I was trying to poke a frog with my rod"
"And did you?"
"Did I what?"
"Poke the frog."
"Why, has the Child Support Agency been calling again?"
"The only calling I have heard is THE calling.."
"Is that like the call of the wild?"
"Sort of. But less leafy"
"Like resin, is it?"
"More of a pill that's hard to swallow"
"Or a cock"
"Pardon??"
"A cockerel in the morning - like a call of the wild"
"Oh. I see. Well I suppose you could say that"
"So, about my rod. It's big isn't it. Do you want to hold it for a while? Something might tug on it though so you better get a firm grip..."

Gnome and Buddha sit around a pond....

"I've been sitting here frikkin ages and I haven't caught a thing"
"ahh, but what you have to ask yourself is, does the rod you are fishing with actually exist"
"Shit, well that would explain why I haven't caught anything..."
"And ergo, do you exist"
"Well bugger me sideways and stick me in a hencoop!, no wonder I haven't caught anything!"
"Except a cold"
"I'm a gnome you stupid Buddha, I can't catch a cold"
"Ahh, but can a cold catch you?"
"If I had legs I'd get up and walk away about now..."
"There are other ways of leaving... I've been sitting here meditating, trying to reach a higher consciousness.."
"Is that like getting high on drugs?"
"kinda, but cheaper"
"Wanna touch my rod? I wanna see if it exists..."

Gnome and Buddha started as a conversation I had with my then-girlfriend in the bath one morning in May 2003.
(This is where we had our best conversations).
She was reading 'Zen for Beginners' by Judith Blackstone and Z. Josipovic at the time.
I was reading Stargate fan-fiction, as usual.

She tried to explain the basics to me, as I sat there washing my hair, but it was largely lost on me.
Or so we both thought at the time.

She asked if we could get a Buddha statue and a Zen garden for our house, if and when we ever got one together.
I said 'as long as a fishing garden gnome can sit next to him at a tacky pond'.
She agreed.
I mentioned that it was probably very 'deep' to have a gnome sit next to a Buddha.
I said it was the perfect blending of our terribly English heritage and our desire to embrace a greater understanding of life.

I began to imagine the conversations our Gnome and Buddha would have sitting around their pond.
And I blogged them on my other blog at the time.

Gnome and Buddha developed a mini cult status.
Providing zen for lazy people.
Or 'zen for people who don't like to think they are reading about zen'.

So I thought it was about time they had their own space.